


Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

by Yankingthechain



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (this is capitalist Christmas neither of them believe in god), Badly, Boys In Love, Christmas Themed, Decorating, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mentions of Farah’s efficientness, Soz guys, brief mention of smut, but nothing apart from making out, happy holidays!, is that a word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 22:51:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13133868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yankingthechain/pseuds/Yankingthechain
Summary: Dirk buys them a tree. Todd doesn’t typically celebrate Christmas. Neither of them know what they’re doing, but they’re going to have a good time doing it anyway.Happy holidays!





	Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

“Hello Darling!” Dirk greets brightly, as Todd pulls open the door, something that Todd discovered about Dirk since they started dating is that he has an affinity for pet names, and something Todd discovered about himself since they started dating, is that he likes them. He’s looking a bit sheepish in the way that he does when he’s done something he thinks Todd won’t approve of, and the half smile he gets whenever Todd raises an eyebrow does nothing to dispute his immediate concerns. 

It’s only then, that Todd notices the huge bags at his feet. 

“...What have you done?”

“Well, see, it’s Christmas time, and, honestly Todd I don’t exactly know your stance on religion and but I’m not very sure on my own stance either but I figure, capitalism, commercialism all the other ‘c’s-“

“Dirk,” Todd interrupts, watching as his boyfriend nervously rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet, he looks hot today, wind swept with a flushed nose, powder blue jacket and a thick knitted bobble hat over his head, “Get to the point.”

“I’d really like it if we decorated. For Christmas. Unless you don’t celebrate Christmas, oh Jesus, you’re Jewish aren’t you, oh crap, I didn’t even take into consideration the fact that you might be Jewish, stupid Dirk always assuming people’s religions and buying Christmas trees-“

“You bought us a Christmas tree?” Todd asks, smiling a little faintly. 

Dirk nods miserably, “I’m sorry Todd. I didn’t know you were Jewish.” 

“Dirk, I’m not Jewish.”

“Muslim?”

“No.”

“Hindu?”

“No.”

“...Shinto?”

“Shinto? Dirk no, I’m very much agnostic, I generally don’t celebrate Christmas but hey, capitalism, commercialism and all the other ‘c’s.” Todd says, still one eyebrow raised as he watch Dirk literally brighten up in front of him. Christ, it was like watching the sun rise. 

“So we can decorate?” Dirk says, and a grown man shouldn’t be that cute. At Todd’s hesitant nod-because he knew not to waltz headfirst into any of Dirk’s plans-Dirk squeals, and flaps his arms. “Brilliant! I couldn’t quite manage it all in one go, but now that you’re helping, I think it’ll only take two journeys between us!” And he turns, and marches off in the direction of the stairs. 

Todd gapes before hurrying after him, “Wait Dirk, how much did you buy?”

He bought, as it turned out, quite a lot. 

“Dirk, I don’t even have furniture. Why would you buy pillow covers?” Todd asks exasperatingly, holding up one of the, many, many brightly patterned cushion cases that Dirk had brandished with joy immediately after bounding into Todd’s ‘minimalistic’ (that’s what Dirk called it, Todd found it hilarious) apartment with the final load. 

“Because they were on special offer! Todd! You know how much I love a bargain-“ he did, Jesus Christ, he really did, “Don’t worry, I bought cushions to go into them as well. I’m not that stupid.” Dirk says flippantly, holding up a package of five cushions, like it was a stroke of genius. Todd leans against his kitchen counter (a recent addition to the apartment, he now had kitchen cabinets, a fridge, a cooker, a working sink and a breakfast bar which had been thoroughly...christened. He didn’t however, have any bar stools yet) and regards his remarkably proud boyfriend with something akin to incredulousness. 

“Dirk, I don’t have a sofa to put any cushions on.” Todd reminds him, and Dirk frowns, and drops them. 

“Hell.” He looks so disappointed that Todd feels personally responsible and takes it upon himself to pick up the ridiculous, virtually useless cushions and press them to his chest. 

“We can...put them on the mattress? Yeah? People have decorative cushions on the bed, don’t they?” He offers and Dirk looks at him blandly.

“Todd you don’t have a bed, you have a mattress, on the floor.” He sighs, and it breaks Todd’s fucking heart, “Listen, it’ll be fine, I can take it all back, it-“

“You’re not taking back my fucking Christmas tree.” Todd says, feeling a bit like a little kid, “It’s mine, you can’t have it back.”

Dirk blinks, “Todd-“

“No, it’s mine. I’m putting this fuckin’ tree up if it kills me.” Todd crossed his arms, holding the cushions protectively against his chest. Dirk rolls his eyes and it’s a silly move on him, he’s been doing this recently, since Wendimoor, doubting himself, it’s been happening less frequently since each case passing and being solved, but every so often Dirk’s insecurities kick up a bit and he gets all snappy and sad. Todd can’t blame him, they all have bad days, but he just wishes he could make him feel better. 

“Todd okay, look, it was a stupid idea. I was being rash-“

“I’ve never celebrated a holiday with anyone before!” Todd snaps probably coming across as inherently ridiculous holding some pillows hostage, so he glances away, “Not with like, a partner. And I’d like if uh, we did that. We don’t have to do something big, or even do presents but, I’d like to decorate. Please?”

Dirk frowns at him, “You really want too?”

 

Todd nods to the far wall, “Yeah, I mean. With you, yeah.

Dirk’s answering smile is nothing short of dazzling. “Okay, yes, then of course we’ll decorate. Sorry love, went a bit...” he pulled an indescribable face, “...wonky, there for a moment. I’d love to do this. Of course I would. We can do the whole thing, presents, dinner, whatever you want okay? I’ve never actually...celebrated Christmas ever, never had time so I, just y’know, used ‘the google’ and bought everything it suggested.” He looks at the small mountain of plastic bags on the floor and smiles sheepishly, “In hindsight, I may have gone slightly overboard.”

Todd giggles hysterically, a sound he’s never made before, and surveys the entirety of the fucking christmas section of Walmart upended on his apartment floor, “Y’think?” And then he bends at the waist and laughs harder than he’s laughs in a long time. “Fuck’s sake Dirk, my fuckin’ apartment’s so small.” And he laughs even harder

Dirk sniggers, “It’s absolutely tiny.” And then he’s on his knees howling beside him, grabbing onto his sleeve and holding himself as upright as he can. “Todd-Todd I bought so much stuff-we’re never going to fit all of it in-this is ridiculous!”

“It’s brilliant!” Todd says vibrantly, wiping the tears out of his eyes, “It’s so brilliant, you’re brilliant! You are so, brilliant!” Todd’s grinning so hard he feels like his face could split in half, and Dirk is looking at him so softly, still half laughing, face all flushed and red, Todd’s never loved anyone as fiercely as he loves Dirk. 

“We should kiss now.” Dirk says confidently. 

“Yes, yes we should.”

He’s not sure who moves first, but literally two seconds later he’s got Dirk in his lap, his tongue in his mouth and a pair of reindeer antlers digging into his back. He wouldn’t change it for a thing. Dirk always makes these incredible noises when they kiss, quiet, half-moans as he strains to get even closer, and for someone who’d never kissed anyone before Todd-except his pillow when he was fourteen, he was always very adamant that that counted even though it totally didn’t-he’d picked the skill up quite quickly and now he could turn Todd into a pile of agreeable goo with a tiny flick of his tongue. 

“We should have sex. Perhaps christen the breakfast bar again?” Dirk mutters heatedly against his mouth and Todd feels heat flush in his cheeks. 

“Aren’t you still...sore?”

Dirk waves his hand dismissively, “Honestly Todd, you can bottom if you’re so concerned.” Todd really wants to say yes, he wants to say yes and allow Dirk to bend him over the shiny granite workbench and press him down and-

“We can’t.” Todd says regretfully, “We’re putting the tree up.”

“Sod the bloody tree.”

“I’d really...I’d really like to do this, please?”

Dirk takes in Todd’s pleading face, the one he doesn’t know he does, where he thinks that he’s not going to get his own way and has already ignored what he wants in favor of making everyone else happy. Wide blue eyes, half smile, crinkled nose, how could Dirk ever reject that. “Of course, we can love.” And it’s not that Dirk feels a bit shit for how he acted earlier, trying to take everything back and all, that he’s given in too easily when he can feel all of Todd beneath him, but it’s also the fact that he knows Todd will look amazing underneath the twinkle of Christmas lights, and that maybe he can talk Todd into taking photos with him-innocent ones, for his instagram where he posts pictures of him and Todd without Todd...actually knowing about it. Not in a creepy way, just, pictures of Todd with his hands round a cup of coffee, or scowling at a computer, or more recently, Todd grinning so proudly whenever he cooked his first frozen meal in his new oven. Dirk can see what Todd’s saying about wanting to do this together, and he wants it too, endless holidays together, both of them here in this shitty, empty apartment. 

He takes a deep breath. 

“So I was thinking,” He says, in a light tone, attempting to be casual, in case Todd rejects him completely, “,of selling the upstairs apartment.”

Todd stiffens, goes all frowny and scared and not at all pleased remotely, “Y-you’re moving?”

And ah, yes, Dirk gets it, duh, Todd thinks he’s moving away from the Ridgely, as if Dirk could be more than ten feet from Todd at any given time, honestly, they’re borderline codependent, it’s unhealthy. It’s amazing. “Preferably, yes. Into this apartment?”

Todd’s eyebrows crinkle in confusion, “You want my apartment?” 

“Todd, you’re truly not very perceptive. I’d like to move in with you. Please. And if I sell the apartment, then we can actually buy furniture. C’mon, say yes, it’s not as if I don’t basically live here already.” Dirk explains, and Todd smiles, and god, he really is stunning isn’t he?

“I-yeah. I think that’s a great idea. I-yeah!” Todd’s using that tone that he gets whenever he’s trying his best not to seem too excited about something, all suppressed smiles and pink-cheeked and avoiding looking at him and Todd’s the best person he’s ever met.

“Right, well, good. Very good.” Dirk’s attempting to also do the not pleased face, and directs his grin at Todd’s unscratched wooden floor. “Right, well, this Christmas tree then?”

******************************************

“Fuck you, Dirk, fuck you and fuck this, fucking, fuck fuck fuckity fuck.” Todd spits, scowling, the whole grumpy affect is somewhat marred by the fact that he’s still wearing the santa hat that Dirk forced on his head over an hour ago, and he’s sitting cross-legged on the floor brandishing an artificial branch like it’s personally offended him and Dirk has of course done his best to document this moment under the pretense of texting Amanda, he thinks that it’s highly possible that this might be his new festive lockscreen. 

(High possible? He’s already set it, he could barely help it, Todd’s just so pretty)

“Honestly Todd, it’s not that hard, Slot forty-eight just goes into, uhhh…” He frowns, and glances at the instruction booklet that they’d been referring to the entire time (well, Todd had, Dirk had been using his ‘hunches’) “Slot, C. Oh bloody hell. Where on earth’s that? Seriously, as soon as we get this up, I reckon we just put it away upright, for next year. I am not dismantling this, oh my gosh, absolutely not.”

Todd regards their feeble attempt at building the six foot artificial tree that Dirk somewhat expected to pop up as soon as they pulled it out of the box, already made only requiring them to put some pretty lights on, maybe a few baubles, some light decorating, not the seriously hard grafting they were currently doing (honestly, Dirk had broken a sweat, he only liked breaking a sweat when he and Todd were…never mind) “I bet Farah could do this in ten minutes.” Todd says sadly.

Dirk snorts, “A single minute, and the entire thing would be decorated.”

Mischief lit up Todd’s eyes, “Ten seconds, the apartment would be decorated and she’d have a pizza in the oven.”

“Negative ten seconds, and she’d have done the paperwork we’ve been ignoring.”

“Yesterday, and she’d solve the next case, before we even get it.”

Dirk leans back, and lets out a breath, “You have me there Todd. She truly is a very competent woman. Do you reckon we should call and ask for her help?”

Todd hesitates openly, “Not that I don’t love Farah, because I do, but I just, I dunno, I like just me and you. I know I’m complaining a lot, but I am having fun. Feels like we’re a proper couple.”

Dirk rolls his eyes affectionately, “Todd, we are a proper couple. But I get what you’re saying, I’m enjoying just being here with you.” He surveys the mess of branches on the floor and winces, “Though it is entirely possible that we’ll be here until next Christmas at the rate.”

They get the first half built at a relatively steady pace after that, because Todd in all his glory makes the astute observation that each level is color-coded! How very helpful! But the top branches are, somewhat more trickier and whilst Dirk is taller than Todd, he still only is five foot eight, a whole inch below average and it’s kind of hard to see the top row of slats whenever neither of them can actually reach that far up.

But somehow, shockingly, they manage and two hours after they started they’re standing at a distance, (only mildly out of breath) and honestly, Dirk’s blinking back tears. “I’m just so, proud?” He offers wetly, and Todd sniffs, leaning into his side.

“It’s just, so beautiful, I don’t even think we need decorations on it.”

It’s not really, it’s quite a horrible shade of green, because by the time he’d gotten to the store, all the nice white or pink ones had been taken and he’d been stuck with this, sludge green monstrosity or a black one, and as much as Dirk appreciates a good monochromic color scheme, he knows that Todd would get way to into his punk phase and the whole apartment would get increasingly darker, and drearier, until it was like walking into a bat cave and Todd hung fake cobwebs or something from ceiling. But the fact that they’ve actually achieved it, without any outsiders help, he’s immensely proud.

“Is…is the top half…wider than the bottom half?”

Dirk shoves his finger over Todd’s mouth, “Shush, love, she’s perfect.” He’s right, of course he is, they’ve done a shoddy job of building it, but they built it together and that’s all that matters.

Todd frowns, “Dirk is it…is it falling…?” Their beautiful tree, tilts to the side as if mocking them, before giving up enitirely and collapsing on the ground, in pieces.

Todd blinks, and sighed, “Same.”

**************************************

“SNOW IS FALLING-“

“Dirk!”

“ALL AROUND US!”

“Dirk-“

“CHILDREN PLAYING-“

“I swear to god Dirk-“

“HAVING FUN-“

“DIRK!”

Dirk stops abruptly, and turns from where he was hanging tinsel from the ceiling, Todd’s been looking increasingly irate with each song that Dirk’s been yelling out, and Dirk has to admit that he has only been doing it to garner a reaction from Todd, as ‘pushing Todd’s buttons’ is an absolute favorite past time of his.

“Yes sweetheart?” He asks innocently, and Todd flushes.

“Never mind.”

A minute later, Todd’s humming along with him. Twenty minutes later and they’re full on dueting ‘Baby it’s cold outside’, it’s a wonderful moment. And sometimes, Dirk forgets that Todd is musically gifted, so whenever he picks up his guitar from it’s perch leaning against the far wall and starts picking out the chords to ‘Rocking around the Christmas tree’, crooning along in his, oddly raspy and wholesome singing voice, Dirk’s brain short circuits a little. Especially when he starts having fun with it, goofing around, dancing around and bopping and making Dirk shimmy with him and god, he’s brilliant. How is he not famous?

Todd puts the guitar down and grins a little breathlessly at him, and honestly what happens next is in no way Dirk’s fault.

But God, does Todd make wonderful noises whenever he’s pushed against walls. (Not in a threatening, Patrick Spring kind of way, but in a sexy way that makes him go all wide eyed and slackmouthed)

********************************

“I’m going to switch the lights on-Jesus are they flashing? What is this? A rave?”

Todd laughs, still a little flushed in the cheeks from their…activities earlier, “You’re so dramatic, they have a twinkle setting, babe.” It’s the first time Todd’s ever used a pet name in reference to him, and his heart shouldn’t skip a beat like it does.

“I’m not being dramatic,” His voice is a little high-pitched, and he’s hoping that Todd takes it as being incredulousness and not that he’s completely lovestruck, “I’m being reasonable, look at it! I’m going to get a migraine just looking it!”

“Oooh, ‘I’m going to get a migraine’” Todd mocks teasingly, “’My name’s Dirk and I’m an old man and these pretty lights are going to make my brain hurt, oooh, a miii-graine, I’m going to get a miiii-graine.’”

Dirk is, affronted, “I, do not, sound like that remotely.” The effect is somewhat discouraged by the fact that he’s currently sniggering ridiculously, he can’t help it, Todd’s English accent is just so genuinely painful to listen too. Besides, he likes it when Todd laughs, even if he is often the butt of the joke.

Todd turns his nose up and puts his hands on his hips, “’My poor old man brain-“

“You’re bloody well older than me!”

“’I’m going to get a miii-graine!’”

Todd can barely speak he’s giggling so hard, and he has to lean against the wall for support. Dirk wants to be offended but can’t no matter how hard he tries, so settles for grinning at him in the most annoyed way in he can muster, but instead it just comes across like pleased incredulousness.

“Are you done mocking me yet?” Dirk asks, raising an eyebrow and Todd nods, wiping tears from his eyes and hiccupping slightly.

“Yeah, no, I’m done.” He gestured back to the tree, “I reckon if I press that little button it’ll stop flashing. Should I try it?” He does, and the lights settle to something a bit more manageable. Their effect can’t truly be seen in the bright ceiling lights, so Dirk flicks the switch and immediately becomes enraptured from how they cast a rainbow over the room.

“Wow.” Todd whispers, glancing back over his shoulder and looking at Dirk, “These are amazing, you picked the good ones!”

He didn’t really have a choice in the ones he picked, it’s the fifteenth of December and really he left it quite late, the only ones left was the relatively expensive ones, he was informed by one of the employees that all the cheaper alternatives had been sold out earlier in the year. His bank account took a critical hit, but it was so worth it for the way it glittered across the bridge of Todd’s nose.

“I-yes, I have incredible taste.”

He’s not quite sure if Todd gets the double meaning there, but from the way his entire face softens, he likes to think that he did.

“Putting aside how lovely they are, they are giving me a headache. Can we turn them off?”

“’Oooh, a miii-grain.”

Dirk rolls his eyes and winces slightly, Todd’s face tenses in concern. “Do you want some painkillers? Are you coming down with something?” He asks, getting to his feet and feeling at Dirk’s forehead like a parent, “Do you want to finish this tomorrow? We can just go to bed?”

“No-no I’m fine, there was an accident at the supermarket,” Dirk can feel the heat raise to his cheeks and Todd raises an eyebrow, “It’s really quite embarrassing?” he offered weakly.

“God, just tell me.”

“It was the last glitter candy cane! We needed it for aesthetic purposes, but some complete witch-I didn’t know her, but I hate her-tries to take it from me and in the scuffle I somehow got bopped on the head with a really large Santa mannequin.”

“Dirk.”

Dirk smiles brightly at him, “Yes lovely?”

Todd flushes, but does his best to power through, “How old was this ‘witch’?”

“...eight. At the most. But in my defence she was six foot four!”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Well, perhaps six foot four is a bit extreme-but she was very aggressive! I may even have a bruise!”

“You’re so full of shit.” Todd rolls his eyes but forces Dirk to awkwardly crouch so that he can peer at his scalp, “There isn’t even a bump here, are you sure she hit you?”

“The candy-cane was inflatable-“

“Oh my god.”

“Tooooodd,” Dirk whines, scowling at him, “You’re my boyfriend, you’re supposed to be protective and supportive and offer to go beat up my attacker-“

“Your ‘attacker’ still believes in Santa clause!”

Dirk scowls at him, “Todd.”

Todd sighs, and switches his face into something more supportive. “How’s this?” He asks, grinning sympathetically. 

Dirk grimaces, “Oh, oh that’s terrible!”

Todd tries again, and it comes across a bit like he’s got shampoo in his eyes, “Sorry, better?”

“No! No god no, stop!” 

Todd’s facial expression droops quite effectively and he scowls, looking a lot more like Dirk’s Todd, “Sorry,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment, “I don’t think I can pull off the whole supportive boyfriend thing.”

Dirk reaches out before his boyfriend’s terrible habit of self-loathing makes itself apparent, “Well, you may not be able to pull off the supportive boyfriend, but I reckon you can *pull off* a supportive boyfriend,” He attempts a wink, he doesn’t succeed. 

“Was that...a sex joke?”

“Yes, it was, a bit of one.”

Todd’s answering laughing is enough to make Dirk’s heart swell and he forgets all about the mild twinge in his head that was more than likely due to the excess amount of sugar he’d consumed earlier that day, as opposed to eight year-old fiends armed with inflatable Christmas sweets. 

**************************************

“Dirk-Dirk we gotta finish decorating, we haven’t even finished the baubles-“ Todd babbles senselessly as Dirk works his mouth at the spot on his neck which always made him turn into a pile of agreeable goo. It was really quite a brilliant thing, to watch Todd go from his snarky, fuck-you attitude to his flushed and pleased counterpart. Honestly, right now, Dirk cares very little about the baubles still yet to be hung whenever Todd was making that little pleased hum in the back of his throat. 

He pulls away to see what Todd looks like, eyes closed, eyelashes dark against his cheek, bottom lip caught between his teeth, it’s a good look for him...

...if only he wasn’t laying on sheets that had Saint Nick’s huge face staring back at him. 

Todd blinks open slowly, “Why-why’d you stop?” And Dirk can’t bring himself to say, ‘Oh I stopped distracting you during our five minute break because Santa Clause is giving me the eye’ because even to him that sounds faintly ridiculous. 

“No reason Todd!” Dirk says brightly, and lets his lips meet Todd’s again. It’s fine if he closes his eyes, he doesn’t see it, and he can get lost in the feeling of Todd under him, of Todd’s hands slipping under his shirts, of Todd’s thighs bracketing his hips...

...of Santa’s eyes boring into him from nine-ninety-nine sheets from target. 

“I’m sorry-I can’t-“

Todd blushes, and sits up a bit, forcing Dirk to move, “Yeah no it’s cool-“

“It’s just, he’s looking at me!”

Todd frowns in confusion, “My eyes were closed Dirk?”

Dirk swallows, “No, not you, Santa.” He says, accusingly, glaring and the man’s half-moon spectacles and shady grin. 

“You stopped kissing me, because the sheets that you bought, are freaking you out?” Todd asks, incredulous, Dirk nods shame-faced. 

“I swear Todd, I’m trying really hard-“

“I can, uh, I can feel how hard you’re trying.” Todd says, avoiding his eyes, and squirming a little, “If I can sort the problem, can we go back to making out? We have about, five minutes left of our two minute break.”

“Have you always been bad at maths or is it a recent thing-oh!”

Dirk finds himself suddenly staring at the ceiling with Todd looming over him, looking ridiculously proud of himself. “If I’m on top, then you don’t see him!” He explains, and Dirk grins up at him. 

“Oh well done, marvelous boyfriending Todd.”

Todd rolls him eyes, but allowed himself to be pulled down from where he was straddling Dirk to meet his lips, and their two minute long break turned into twenty.

*****************************************. 

“I am, so proud.” Dirk breathes in awe, an arm wrapped around his boyfriend, pulling him close to his side as they both gazed at their magnificent creation, “It’s gorgeous, it’s glorious, it’s stunning-it’s-I’m running out of superlatives, but Jesus, Todd, it’s beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Todd says beside him, eyes not on tree whatever soever, instead very much looking at Dirk, “Yeah, it is.”

Dirk grins, and pulls him closer. “One last decoration,” he says, a teasing grin on his face as he drags something from his back pocket and dangles it over their heads.

“Mistletoe?”

Todd pushes on to his tiptoes and Dirk dips down to meet him, and for a minute, the world is decidedly, blessedly, calm.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Holidays! I hope everyone has a great time and I wanted the boys to have a good time too! please read and review if you liked it!
> 
> -YtC


End file.
